Key Weird 03; Key Witch Page 4

  “Josey! Your patient is awake!” Consuelo was up for a closer look. He realized something was hanging out of his nose. Josephine came in the room and clapped her hands, then rubbed them together in anticipation.

  “Gotta hand it to you Jos, this is a great idea. All that hair coming out of his nose always did look pretty gross.”

  Consuelo leaned in closer and wrinkled her nose. She lightly touched whatever it was hanging out of his left nostril. Jeremy tried to tell them fun was fun, and he was ready to be untied and go to his room. It just sounded like a lot of moaning though, with all the cable in his mouth.

  “Don’t spill the beans yet, Jeremy! Josey hasn’t even started! Anyway, you had your chance already when she asked how you knew the woman in the picture was named Sara. She says you got all secretive and wouldn’t tell, remember?”

  Jeremy did remember, come to think of it. He was thinking that maybe he should have been a little more forthcoming with what he knew. Consuelo stepped to the side, and Josephine was standing in front of him with a cordless drill in her hands. He was real sure he should have been more forthcoming.

  ♦

  Lydia tried numerous places on Duval, showing the picture to a lot of people with no luck. A few maybes, but that was about it. Did get to see the inside of some interesting places, and talked to some unique, and sometimes quite odd, people. Key West definitely was different from Pine Cove.

  It was going to take a few more days just to get Old Town covered. She hoped Consuelo had gotten lucky. Actually she probably had, knowing her appetite and intuitive powers when it came to men. Maybe she had gotten lucky in finding out something about their missing sister too.

  Brad had told her to stop by anytime, so she made up an excuse to pop in for a minute on her way back to the hotel.

  Walking across the street from Brad’s to the hotel, Lydia was still thinking about the recipe for baked triggerfish he’d told her about. When she came in the front door of the hotel there was a terrible crash. She ran to the back.

  “What’s all this?”

  ♦

  They were setting Jeremy and his chair back up in Josephine’s room when Lydia came in. Josephine’s idea for nose hair removal had worked even better than they had hoped. Their first client had become a little over-excited when the drill had been attached to the drill bit glued to his nose hairs however. When the drill was switched on, he had somehow jumped enough to topple his chair and the metal tub it was sitting in.

  “Josey has found a new way to get rid of unsightly nose hair!”

  Consuelo was giving her big sister her best sunny smile, which Lydia completely ignored as she walked over for a closer look at Jeremy’s nose.

  “Nice job, all right.” She looked at the one clean nostril and panicked eyes of their bound, gagged, and moaning employee. “Although I somehow suspect he didn’t volunteer for this important breakthrough in male grooming.” Lydia gave her sisters a disapproving look.

  Josephine had taken the furry drill bit out of the drill, and was putting some glue on another one. She gestured toward the phone cable wraps. “F-for his own p-p-pro-tection.”

  Consuelo stood behind the chair and held Jeremy’s head while her sister stuck the gluey drill bit in the other nostril. Lydia looked again at her sisters, and from the dead serious stares she got back she knew it was something important. Consuelo filled her in.

  “He saw one of the pictures Josey had, and knew her name was Sara. Then decided he didn’t want to talk about it.”

  Jeremy stopped moaning and looked at Lydia with pleading eyes. She looked at Josephine.

  “Give me the drill, Josey.”

  ♦

  The superglue and drill idea was mine actually. Guy really did have a bad nose hair problem. I got a good seat up above in the air vent and watched the fun. After Lydia took a turn with the drill, Jeremy told all he knew about Sara.

  I’m thinking he might be hearing me lately. In the morning, while I was making my rounds through the hotel air conditioning system, I stepped in a mousetrap someone had set inside the vent to Jeremy’s room. I’ve still got a bump on my head from it. That’s when I first got the idea for the speedy nose-hair removal system. Later, I’m going down into Jeremy’s room. Maybe dig a little hole in his bed pillow and take a crap in it.

  ∨ Key Witch ∧

  4

  Plans

  A breeze blew into town after dark. The startled palm fronds rattled, the boats in the marina rocked, and an early-evening drunk on Duval Street went stumbling after his hat. The breeze looked around, decided it didn’t like what it saw, and left. The breeze could come and go as it pleased.

  Two figures sat at the end of a scarred old mahogany bar in a dimly lit place with no name on the rough side of town. It was early evening and there wasn’t much of anyone else in there yet. A big guy with something-or-other Biological on his sweatshirt sat with a middle-aged hippie at a table along the wall. They were drinking bottled beer and having a heated philosophical discussion.

  The front door opened and a low-tide-scented gust of wind blew into the barroom. The two figures turned on their stools just enough to check out a tall, heavy-set man in slacks and a short-sleeve shirt walking in the bar with a small man in a tropical suit.

  The newcomers ordered drinks and took them to a table in back. They sipped their drinks and looked bored. Out of habit, they kept an eye on the few other patrons in the oldest and least known bar in Key West.

  “I can’t believe you wanted to come in here, Louie. This place is a fucking dump.”

  Louie was feeling better after a long shower, a generous handful of talcum powder on his crotch, and the first hit off his drink.

  “True, it’s not one of your more hygienic places on the planet, but I always feel relaxed here. Supposed to be where old Hemingway went when he got thrown out of the other bars. Drinks are cheap, best view in Key West, and nobody fucks with you.”

  For the kind of money he was being paid for the job, Louie shouldn’t mind being in the dark about just what the job entailed. But he did mind. Joey Two Thumbs told him back in Miami to take orders from this big goon Gustov, and he’d be filled-in once they got to the Keys. Gustov seemed to be half-listening to the big guy and the hippie bitching about how some marina up around Sanibel was going to hell lately.

  “So Gus, my man, you ready to fill me in on this job we got going here?” Louie sipped his drink through the little straw you were supposed to use for stirring your drink. Gustov hated it when people did that, which is exactly why Louie did it.

  “Job might be big. Depends.” He leaned in closer and lowered his voice. “Might just be some surveillance, or maybe we lean on some people a little. We get the right weather, might be big. Real big.” Gustov leaned back in his chair and gave his junior partner a smirk to let him know that was all he was getting for now.

  “Big? How big? We going to wet someone here or what? There’s…”

  Gustov held up his hand to signify the discussion was over.

  “Hey, it’s not like I don’t have a right to know…” Louie was pissed, but decided to let it go when he realized his partner was enjoying holding back. They looked out the big windows at the winking lights of a small marina, past the two rumpled-looking figures talking quietly at the end of the bar.

  “Check it out Gus. I think one of those things at the bar might be a woman. Good-looking guy like you…” Gustov turned and glared at his grinning partner who started making slurping sounds by sucking up the last of his drink with his stir stick.

  ♦

  Neither of the people at the end of the bar were very big. The one who seemed to have one shoulder higher than the other coughed and spit on the floor. She ran her fingers through her ratty brown wig.

  “So we know she was h-here, she was d-definitely in Key West.”

  Josephine had been in the bar once before, and her stuttering hadn’t been bad then either. The old bar relaxed her.

  Lydia was dr
essed as a man. Old fisherman’s clothes, hair tucked up in a hat, and some grime on her face with Josephine wearing baggy clothes and doing her gimp routine got them in the bar without a second look. The make-up thing Consuelo did on her sisters made sure no one would bother them. Facial sores and warts were her specialty. Halloween had always been much more fun than Christmas.

  “We’ve got a pretty good idea what she’s been up to the last few years now, but we still don’t know where she is.” Lydia motioned to the bartender who brought them fresh drinks and looked at the picture that was handed over. The bartender looked even rougher than either of the two sisters, and there wasn’t any make-up involved. Tattoos, piercings, scars, shaved head, big shoulders, permanent scowl, and a limp. Couldn’t tell if it was a man or woman either. Lydia was leaning more towards man, Josephine was still undecided. She took a sip of her club soda with Key Lime. Lydia was drinking draft beer. After a good look, the bartender shook his/her head, handed the picture back and went down to the other end of the bar.

  “S-she’s not in southern California. N-not from what J-Jeremy said about her t-taking those things from that cult out t-there.”

  The wind was really whipping in the darkness outside. They looked out the windows overlooking some sailboats rocking in the marina. Josephine started carving her name in the bar with a razor-sharp steel fingernail she had glued onto her finger.

  The door opened and a well-dressed old man came slowly in with a young blonde on his arm. They sat at a table by the window. The woman came to the bar to get drinks while the old man carefully took something out of his pocket. He placed what looked like a tiny stuffed dog on the table.

  “No, I doubt she went back there.” Lydia was looking over her sister’s shoulder at what turned out to be a real dog, a really old Chihuahua wearing sunglasses. “He said the last time he saw her, she was walking toward the marina area. Maybe we should try there again.”

  A deeply tanned man with shifty eyes came in the bar with a young woman sporting buzzcut hair and a black man in a highway patrol uniform. They sat at the other end of the bar. The woman had fishing flies for earrings, complete with hooks.

  “I d-don’t trust Jeremy. I t-think there’s something he’s not t-telling us.”

  Lydia knowingly avoided the fierce look in her sister’s eyes. Those weren’t the eyes of a stage mesmerist, little Josey’s eyes were the real thing.

  “Now, Josephine. I think we got all the pertinent information from the little weasel we need.” Josephine added a frown to her fierce look. “We’ll keep asking around with the picture for a few more days. If we don’t find out anything, you can have him for more of your experiments. Okay?”

  Josephine raised an eyebrow and seemed to be in deep thought for a few seconds before making up her mind.

  “D-deal!” She smiled for her sister, showing plenty of yellow and black teeth, another of Consuelo’s touches.

  “God, but you’re a pretty little thing tonight, Josey.” Lydia gave a sick look and stuck her tongue out a little. A big cockroach ran across the top of the bar and Josephine stabbed it with her steel fingernail. She held up her squirming trophy, popped her mouth open, and very slowly started moving the roach in.

  “Please don’t do that Josey, not here.” Lydia looked over at the two men who had just come in. The tall thin man with wild eyes and flecks of gray in his hair took a seat at the bar, while his overweight and inebriated friend headed for the can. As he staggered past the sisters, Josephine flicked the roach onto the back of the man’s neck. It ran down inside his collar just as he went into the men’s room. The other man smiled and nodded his head approvingly at the good shot. Josephine showed the man some teeth and picked at her face. The man quickly looked away and attempted to engage the bartender in a discussion of the historical aspects of the bar.

  Josephine regarded her sister carefully. “Y-you’re looking p-pretty hot tonight t-too sis.” A big lewd wink. “You t-think Brad across the s-s-street would go for some of th-that?” Both sisters smiling big.

  “I may just have to try it sometime, little sister.” Lydia fluttered her eyelashes provocatively and gave a big sigh.

  A tall man wearing a skirt or a kilt and a plastic shower cap came in and sat at the bar next to Lydia. He had something wrapped in bloody newspaper tucked under his arm. The man glanced over and gave her a nod before ordering himself a drink. He tossed the drink down and headed back out the door. The sisters looked at the bartender who shrugged his/her shoulders.

  Lydia stood, stretched, and gave her crotch a quick pull. The sisters killed their drinks in unison and slammed their glasses on the bar.

  Lydia tried to make her voice deeper, “Come on, honeypie, let’s get out of here. Place is getting too many weirdos in it!” The whole bar watched as Lydia walked out the door with a hunchbacked Josephine hobbling along behind, snarling and spitting as she went.

  ♦

  One reason hardly anyone knew about the oldest bar in Key West is because it isn’t in Key West. The bar with no name is actually on Stock Island, the next island up the Keys.

  The Key West Manor Hotel, itself in the middle of the island of Key West, had come with not only a horn-dog handyman, but with a car as well. The sister’s ride back to the hotel from the bar was a mid-80’s Cadillac convertible beater with a very custom paint job. There was a hand-painted sunrise on the hood, and a sunset on the truck. Despite being kept in the garage at the hotel, the years of salt air were beginning to take their toll on the old car. Consuelo had already taken it to a shop and had it tuned up. It looked a little rough, but ran out just fine.

  As they pulled onto A1A, a figure ran out of the bushes and grabbed something from along the side of the road, then disappeared into the darkness.

  “Was that him? The guy from the bar?”

  “L-l-looked like him!”

  “I guess we know now what he had in the newspaper.” Lydia felt her stomach do a little jump.

  The wind had calmed, and the lights from the land reflected off the flat, black water in the distance. With the top down on the car, it was a nice night for a drive. They drove up the keys for a while just enjoying the night air before turning around in the parking lot of a big new restaurant called Governor’s Chicken Burritos. A sign out front said opening soon.

  “Hey, that sounds good. Have to give it a try sometime.” Josephine stuck out her tongue, then put a finger in her open mouth. Lydia shrugged.

  “You know, one reason we never heard from her for so many years is probably because those cults aren’t real big on their members contacting family.”

  “B-brainwashed?”

  “Maybe. Though I kind of doubt it if she grabbed some of their stuff and beat it on her own from California down here. I wonder what she was up to?”

  “M-m-maybe she went b-b-back to Pine C-Cove, looking for us.”

  “If she does, she’s bound to ask around when she finds the Majestic is gone. We did leave her picture and our new address with the flower shop next door.”

  They drove on in silence for a few minutes. “She p-probably doesn’t know a-about m-mom.”

  Lydia could see the tears shining in her sister’s eyes in the darkness. “No, she probably doesn’t. We’ll have to deal with that when we find her.” She reached over and gave Josephine’s hand a little squeeze. She wanted to change the subject. It was too nice of an evening, riding in the open-air car, to dwell on unhappy things. True to her overly emotional personality, Josephine had taken their mother’s death the hardest. Lydia knew if she let her, Josephine would be upset the rest of the evening.

  “So Josey, how’s your new medicine coming? Any progress to report on finding the cure for the common hangover?” Lydia hoped the mention of her sister’s favorite project would take her mind off their mother’s passing.

  “T-t-trying a n-n-new po-potion. T-t-t-t-t…” Josephine became frustrated with her stuttering and hit the dashboard of the car with her fist. “S-s-s-sh-shit!”
<
br />   They crossed a small bridge and were in Key West proper. There was enough light from the streetlights for Lydia to see what Josephine was signing. Her hands were flying. She could sign like nobody’s business.

  “Consuelo’s not such a good test subject though. True, she does drink enough to have some pretty serious hangovers, but she’s such a tough little shit, the booze doesn’t seem to have much effect on her.” Lydia was trying to watch her sister’s quick hands and the road. A taxi blew its horn at the weaving Caddy, both women immediately gave it the finger.

  “Well, there shouldn’t be any shortage of hangovers in this town to try it out on. If you’re going to try it out on Jeremy, try not to kill the little perv, at least not until he finishes fixing the roof.”

  Josephine pantomimed someone drinking, and then talking a long fall. Their laughter carried over the calm black water.

  ♦

  I’ve been helping Josephine with her hangover medicine. I think we’re getting close, too. One thing we have to work out is the little problem with Jeremy’s body wanting to violently reject anything resembling food for 24 hours after taking the cure.

  Jeremy must not have liked what I did to his pillow. The next day I was watching him hard at work in his room trying to alter some lottery tickets, and he kept stealing little glances up towards the air vent. I came back by later and the air duct smelled like someone had sprayed bug-killer up there. I figured two could play that game. While he was off at the topless bar I drug a smelly fish head from the garbage and put it in the vent. Then I took some screws out of the stepladder.

  ∨ Key Witch ∧

  5

  Dinner

  The thunderstorm had just come into existence, and already it was in a mood. Dizzy from too much early afternoon humidity and cheap sunshine, it came barreling down the backroads of the turquoise sea. It swerved to get a sailboat headed for the reef, and completely missed the island.